Two months later...

I really don't have much time to update my blog, although I think about what I want to write just about everyday. I'm usually not at my computer when the thoughts are flowing. Today is a rare beautiful day. Jackson is on his way to his Meme's house via Big Momma and Bill is at a work function for a few hours. The house is quiet and there's nothing I HAVE to do for the next hour or so. So, here I sit on my porch enjoying the sun and spring-like weather ready for all those thoughts to start flowing again. Let's see what I can remember. So many interesting things have happened in the last two months.

First off let's get the big scary thing out of the way. I work at a Women's Center where we provide education to students on a variety of women's issues. We work with a health educator now and then when our issues intersect. Most people know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month (side note: most people don't know that it's also Domestic Violence Month...now you've been educated). We try to do fun programs to educate students about breast self exams because breast cancer doesn't only affect women over 40. I've heard stories of women who are younger than me that got breast cancer. I finally decided it was time for me to practice what I preach. Because I was done breast feeding and it had been a few months so my hormones should be back to normal, I decided there was no time like the present. They say the best time is to check while you're in the shower. They even make little shower cards to help you remember and show you how to do the exam. I've been to enough programs and read enough literature on this that I figured I knew what I was doing. So, I woke up one morning in October (it was on the brain) and hopped in the shower and started my exam. I started from the area closest to my chest and worked my way around in a circle going slowly so I could learn what my breast felt like at what I assumed was normal. Contrary to some beliefs (by guys), not all women "play" with their breast on a constant basis (we also don't have naked pillow fights, but that's another blog entry all together). I had never really took the time to learn what this part of my body felt like. It was awkward at first because there were all kinds of things to feel. I was nervous (not that I had any reason to be) that Bill would bust up in the bathroom and see what I was doing and say something to tease me or embarrass me. He didn't and he wouldn't, but I tend to daydream and this was all new to me and my mind went a-wonderin'. Anyway, I noticed a firmer part of my left breast along the bottom. Hmm, is that supposed to be like that? I don't remember reading anything about this. Hmm, I'm sure it's fine....move on. Everything else in that one felt like it was normal. No big knots caught my attention. So I move on to the other one. I started the same way and worked around until I got to the bottom of that one and found a similarly firmer part. Whew...must be normal if its the same on both sides. What are the odds I would find a lump my first time anyway, right? The rest of the exam found no knots or lumps or whatever. For good measure I even felt the area between my breasts and my armpits. I've notice my doctor do that before and thought I better follow suit. Hooray! My first breast self exam was complete, I had learned what my breast feel like when thoroughly examined and found nothing out of the ordinary.

I continued to do this every couple of weeks for good measure. I couldn't help but think it looked like I was doing the "itsy bitsy spider" all the way around my breast. I think that's just my way of relaxing and not worrying as I worked my way around. It wasn't until January that I started to notice something felt a little different. Just above that firmer area I thought I felt a lump about the size of a butter bean (lima bean for all my northern friends). I lingered there a moment and then though nah, it's just that firm place. I finished up my exam and put it out of my mind. I was just doing it wrong or something. A week later I check it again and thought I still felt it but it seemed smaller. This continued for another few weeks and then I mentioned it to Bill. I got him to check to see if he could feel what I found and he said he did. Hmm, so it's not just me. I let it go another two weeks. I was scared and nervous and doubting myself (denial). I finally called and made an appointment with my doctor. I was at work when I called so the student who works with me that is studying nursing asked me about it. By the end of the day I told most of the women in my small office. They were all encouraging and supportive. I went in the next day to see my OB/GYN and she did an exam. I told her about where I was feeling it and she poked around til she found what I was talking about. She said "I think this is what you're talking about and if it's anything it's probably a hormonal cyst which is benign". She said those don't go away and would probably fluctuate with my cycle. Being that I have an IUD (birth control) I don't have periods, but I do still cycle so that explained why it got bigger and smaller. If that's what it was.... She told me to sleep easy that night but she still set me up with an appointment for the Breast Center at the local hospital. I had seen this office while visiting my father-in-law in the oncology wing of the hospital. He died of leukemia last year. I am already not a fan of hospitals so this added to my stress.

I went to the Breast Center before work the next week. There were 3 other women in there and they were all over 50. One man was there with his wife. Nobody said anything but I just felt out of place. This is a older women's issue right? Wrong. It can and has happen to women my age too. I was comforted by all the purple in the room and selected a soft purple chair to sit in while I filled out my paperwork. The lady who checked me in was very nice. She seemed to notice I was nervous so she started talking to me about how her printer wasn't working and she wished it was the weekend all over again. I enjoyed the distraction but then had to go back to my purple chair while I waited for the nurse to call me. I really liked that purple chair and wanted one for my house. I was worried that I would be surrounded by pink. I do not like pink because of all the stereotypes around it. Interesting article about pink which includes a bit of history of how it used to be "for boys"). Anyway, I was happy that was not the case. If you know me, you know I love purple. Its a very empowering color for me and I like wearing it and surrounding myself with it.

The nurse finally called me back along with an older woman. She showed us to an area that looked like the fitting room in an upscale department store. Told us to put on a gown from the drawer and put our things in the paper bag provided. There was purple in that room too. They had a soft purple cushion on the bench and I had to sit on it...just because. I took the gown out of the drawer and thought to myself "these are the gowns they should have in the maternity floor at the hospital where I had Jackson". They were huge and covered everything unlike the small ones that were made for un-pregnant small women at the maternity ward. I put the gown on and it hung on me and didn't appear to have ties to keep it closed. GREAT! So, I improvised and wraped it around me and hung on tight. I went out into the 2nd waiting room. The other lady had ties on her gown but they weren't tied enough to keep them closed all the way so I got flashed a little bit. I wanted to giggle but surpressed the urge. She was very nice and chatted with me about I don't remember what. Then the nurse who was going to do my ultrasound came to get me. She had me sit on this chair that looked like I was going on a roller coaster. It had a seat belt and I said "am I going on a ride?" She said I would indeed but a very short one. I sat down and buckled in and she raised the seat up to her level. The ultrasound equipment reminded me of the one they used on me when I was pregnant. Then I got to worrying that this thing I felt was going to be cancer and I would never be able to have another baby. You don't think rational thoughts when you're in this situation, or at least I don't. I was worrying about everything.

She had me to open my gown to expose the breast where I felt the lump. She told me to find it and point it out to her so she could put the little scanner thing there and try to see it on the screen. I felt around for it and felt very awkward. The first self exam was nothing compared to feeling around your own breast in front of a perfect stranger. Thank goddess she was female! I had a brief moment of panic when I arrived that morning because I hadn't asked if the doctor was female. I only go to female doctors because I'm comfortable with them enough to ask questions and tell them what's going on. Anyway, here I was playing with my breast in front of this woman and wouldn't you know it I had a hard time finding the spot! That always happens. You go in to see a doctor for something and when you get there's it gone or not so bad or whatever. I was having a flashback to the movie "Hear No Evil, See No Evil" with Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder where the police officer keeps saying "shit shit shit" (It's at about 3:18 on that video) That's what I felt like saying, but I didn't. I finally found the spot and she put her finger on it and said she felt what I was talking about. Then she squirted this cold gooey gel on it and put the wand thing over it and up popped a picture on the screen. Now, I've only seen ulrasounds of my uterus so I had no idea what to make of this picture. After she moved it around a bit I started to get the feeling that she wasn't seeing anything. She finally asked me to point it out again. I was all gooey by this point so it was even more awkward. She was very nice through this whole process and she's probably done this a lot and seen many breasts, but I felt awkward. I felt around and it was slipping all around because of the gel. If this had been any other situation I would have been rolling on the floor laughing, but I was nervous and scared so I just got pissed off that I couldn't find it. I was also starting to feel like maybe I had made the whole thing up because she couldn't see it on the screen. My first thought should have been "hey, may it's nothing and I'm ok" but that is not the way my mind works. I didn't want her to think I was some hypocondriack waisting her time. She didn't think that and in fact was saying it was a good thing. She scanned my whole breast just to make sure and then printed some pictures for the doctor to see. She went out to show the pictures to her and I began to clean up some of the gel. The doctor came in and said "it seems to be good news, but I want to check one more time". She had very warm and soft hands and was very reassuring. I was thinking I wanted her for my OB/GYN but then remembered how awesome mine was. Then I got to thinking I didn't actually want to see this woman as a doctor again because that would mean something was wrong. She had me point out where I felt the lump and she scanned it with the ultrasound machine one more time. She didn't speak and I got real nervous. She finally stopped and pointed to the screen. What I was feeling (that firm area on the bottom) was just thick breast tissue that every woman has apparently. She pointed out a little area right above it that was the same stuff but was partly seperated from the spot. "This is probably what you're feeling and it's just that thick breast tissue". Whew! Now I was beginning to feel relieved. She said to keep doing my monthly exams and if it got any bigger or changed to let my doctor know. She said that she was really glad I came in to get it looked at because so many young women think it can't happen to them when it actually can. I felt really good leaving there. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got to my car and put on some upbeat music to help me prepare for going to work and explaining to people I had told about it. They were all very happy for me. I don't know what I would have done had it been something else but I don't want to think about that because I don't have too. This week I got a letter in the mail from them confirming that the test showed there was nothing wrong. It felt great to get it in writing.

This week we had a really beautiful day where it was 70 degrees outside! We've been having really cold and rainy/snowy weather for a while so I decided to get outside. I took my lunch break and walked across campus to the local bbq/burger joint. I was by myself but I decided I would sit outside and enjoy my lunch there instead of going back to the office and sitting inside at my desk. It felt strange. I have never eaten at a restaurant by myself before. At first I worried that people would stare and wonder and maybe even get a kick out of it. But of course no one did so I began to really enjoy eating alone. I didn't have to keep a conversation going or be witty or smart. I just had to enjoy the weather and my lunch. I even started a trend! No one else was sitting outside and by the time I got ready to leave there were 3 other tables filled. One of them was a guy sitting by myself. It was invigorating and empowering. I have tended to think that I needed someone to eat with when I want to go out to eat. I DON'T need anybody else to enjoy a good meal. I can have a good time just sitting there by myself. If anybody's going to be uncomfortable about it, it's not going to be me. I think I'll try it again soon.

Hopefully I'll be able to update this again before another two months have passed. Now it's time to get ready for a birthday party!